PsychoWriter's World: May 2012

I want to take up another challenge that a friend recently suggested. In order to start this challenge I ask for help of those that read this, if help is possible to give. What's the challenge you may ask? The challenge would consist of me wearing a nice, sexy dress, high heels, make-up, jewelry, along with my haired fixed do errands or roam the town to observe how many comments I get. And see which wins out good comments or not so good comments. I do believe he would like me to prove to myself that after many of years of being big, largest I got to was 285lb and on the verge of size 24 pants. XL sizes would be found folded within my drawers and hung in my closet. To prove to myself that I do look good enough to entice guys, by my looks alone, to start up a conversation with me. He believes I will get better reactions than the way I dress today....Jeans and a t-shirt mainly. If I can manage to come up with enough dresses, high heels (at the very least a pair of nice flats in the shade of black) That will go good with the dresses, some make up ( that I like once it lay upon my face), and someone willing to fix my hair or at the very least give me some ideals I could actually wear and look good in. And if I don't like the hair do, no one will see it upon my head. Then, I will accept the challenge. I will wear only dresses in full dressed up wear for a week. I will post the comments I receive on Facebook in form of status updates. Or if by my change of clothing brings forth any good opportunities or experiences. I will post a picture each day of the outfit I will be wearing for the day so you, Facebook Family" can voice your opinion if so desired. I will admit when my friend said those words, I don't know if was truly setting a challenge before me or not. I choose to believe it was or at the very least sounded like a challenge I have been debating over for awhile now. I really would enjoy attacking this challenge to prove to myself just how far I have come. When I start this challenge I will be taking a risk at something I swore I would never do since I was sixteen years of age when I gave up anything to do that would make someone say things like, "You're like every other female out there." Over the years I proven to some that I am NOT like most females out there when it comes to certain fields of life. I have over the years gotten dressed up in the entire dress outfits before minus the high heels. Though it did take a Wedding, a Funeral, or occasionally a "Special Occasion." In taking this challenge I will be breaking down many walls I took many years to construct. Believe me, walls that hide many fears. As I took on the challenge of losing weight (took a year) I lost down to 185lbs. The day I discovered that I lost 100lbs was such a glorious day. At the beginning of my weight lose I set a goal of 150lbs (my old high school weight, before pregnancy.) As I progressed at losing the weight I so badly wanted off of me, I started suffering from dehydration. I up-ed my intake of water to double the amount. Soon my illness progressed to major dehydration, it went on to phase into vertigo. Once it, or so I believe, was major vertigo got so bad that my stubbornness shattered and I ALLOWED one of my friends to take me to the local E.R.. As I was waiting for the saline to drip into my body through an I.V., which the doctor quickly order upon setting his eyes upon me, then proceeded to inform me I am suffering from severe vertigo and I should be glad I decided to come in when I did because if I would of waited even an hour longer then my friends and love ones would have had to attend yet another grave site to lay a love one in the ground. I will admit I instantly felt fear of how close I came to ending it all just because I pushed myself so hard on my walks, (even during the first several stages of my illness),which gotten to five miles a day within an hours time with no difficulties on a track that took you downhill, walking flat surfaces, uphill a mile long. My illness progressed on even though at the worst times I was taking in enough water a day that, to me, could fill a tub of water. Since then I have decided to focus on my health and writings. I set out to publish a book that I have written. Even though some promising leads have come and gone along my way in life. Due to whatever reason they all have fallen silently yet heavily upon my hopes of ever getting a book filled with my thoughts published. After a few days I always came back with the passion and more determination to succeed in becoming a published writer. Thanks to a conversation from a complete male stranger I spoke to one day on another site, I learned quite a bit about Ebooks and how to go about publishing your own. I started searching and found a very good site that I could understand and learned how to go about publishing one. After a simple form to fill out I submitted my first Ebook for publication. No response in two days so I go through everything I have ever written in my life, that wasn't one of the already six poems that has been published in anthology books over the years and placed 85% of my writings into four more Ebooks. No response for another two more days. From that day I have learned so much about formatting that today I have two with "Premium" status. Premium status means that anyone to frequent places like Barnes & Nobles and Apple. I am learning more each day as I watch more and more messages stating that I, yet again, need to fix the format of the story or fix the cover image. I am very happy of myself because I now have 5 Ebooks. I hope that one day I might be blessed and well enough of a writer to sell even one Ebook. Each day that has come to pass does make me fear I'm not as good as I think I am. As I keep repeating to myself, "Never say you have failed until you have reached your last attempt, and never say it's your last attempt until you have succeeded"(author unknown). I will finally allow myself to say I am successful when I can make a somewhat steady income off the sells of my Ebooks. I know deep inside me that this dream of mine will sail the waters so well one day even I will be surprised at the income my writings will bring into my life. Granted, if any of my Ebooks sell as well as say, "The Twilight Series" then I would have to admit that not only am I a writer. I am a successful one as well. Plus, when I succeed my children will know that when I say, "never give up on your dreams, no matter what they are, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what life may throw at you, because the feeling you get when you obtain your dream makes the journey all worth it. Furthermore, if you are wise enough, strong enough to change that dream you chase into reality, I encourage you to dream another dream until it becomes reality, then repeat once more. Just remember along the way, you will have your, "I can't do this" moments to "I can, I really can do this." I am here to say if I can shoot for my final dream I have wanted to one day accomplish since being a young teenager, lived the life I have lived thus far. I have survived two rapes ten years apart by two people that you would least except to do something so traumatic upon another person. I have forced guys away that was on the verge of trying to get their was as I repeatedly said, "No and Stop", and managed to get away physically unharmed. I have served my country. I have walked across my high school graduation floor when I was two months pregnant with my oldest child. I have given birth to all three of my children by the time I was 22. At that age I decided to lose the dream of having a "big" family and opportunity of any more "blood" children. I have been married to three totally different guys. Followed by many failed relationships. I, now, know at this day and age that I am strong enough to go at life on my own. If I am blessed to ever find my "one" he will find a way to melt my heart each and every time I lay my eyes upon him. I will admit I know love. I will admit I do love someone. Though my feelings for him may never be revealed. If he is really my "one" life will find a way to place us together and allow no-one or nothing destroy the love we would share toward one another. I have been homeless, living out of camping gear that was blessed upon the one I was with at the time and myself. Within the forest wall of trees each day we awoke we had to spend figuring out ways to eat, to survive another day in hopes the next will bring better. I have done things during that time I may never express to anyone. I have left my kids behind with love ones as I ran away from my life. One month passed when I returned for my children. Not knowing if my two year old baby boy would even remember who I was to him. I must say watching how my children reacted when they first set their eyes on me I shall never forget. As each one ran with the speed of a rocket taking off they continued screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!" It was within the very second I knew I would never leave my children again no matter what I have to endure to ensure we saw each other everyday. Though I kept my word and never left their sides, due to choices I made I lost my children to their father. For many years they lived with their father as I saw them every other weekend and anytime they were out of school for a week or more. Along this time as I struggled to eventually obtain a place large enough so if my ex husband, father of my children agree then my children could choose who to live with. With a large amount of help from a very close friend I was blessed with one full year with my daughter and youngest son living full time with me visiting their father the same as I did for many years. My oldest son, even though I saw him quite often and the most I ever can remember in a year since I had full custody of them, he chose to mainly live with his father. I came to get to know my children all over again during that year. I am proud to say my oldest will soon graduate high school at the end of this school year. He has plans to attend college next year close to home. I must admit I was hoping he would have chosen one of the better colleges but when I learned of his final decision on which college he will be attending next year I realized just how much he has grown since the day he was born. I know no matter what he chooses he can and will achieve them. I will always remember in my family of the people of "Firsts". I was the first out of my biological mother and father to graduate high school, even though I am the third child out of six. The day my oldest starts college he will be the first off my side to attend college. A dream I once shot for but fell short of achieving. My daughter will graduate next year from high school. She already thrives to attend the same college as her older brother. No matter which one she finally chooses when she starts seriously choosing a college for her life. Like my oldest son, I know whatever tasks my daughter chooses to take on, no matter what dreams she wants to achieve she will with grace and "no one is going to stand in my way" attitude. One day I hope I can be like my daughter when it comes to her attitude toward people and the things she chooses to do. My youngest son will start as a freshman in high school next year. My youngest, thus far, even though he struggles hard to achieve it, has followed in his older siblings foot steps. All I ask is that I learn how to brag of my three children one day, stating how they all three graduated from the same high school as I did back in "93" and their uncle, my baby brother in 2003. They all have dreams which they strive for each and everyday. I know, like my oldest two kids, my youngest, while battling his struggles to overcome his A.D.H.D. He has ways of retaining information that whatever dream he chooses to chase will one day come true. I have fell on rough times recently and had to learn to let go of the full time mom, I have come accustomed to and convert back to the previous arrangements concerning time with my children. I admit I fear I will slowly be pushed put of my children s lives. When in reality it's just them turning to adult age and moving on to achieve the goals they have desired for themselves. May I find a way to handle the days that we spend apart as they discover and experience things for themselves about themselves. I never realized that I would have to give birth to the three I have learned from the most. The ones that give me courage to do the things I have always wanted to do. For this, I hope I reach an achievement of growth of knowledge of myself mixed with my actions I will make my children honored to have me as their mother. Please if I want to talk about you guys as my "babies", even though in reality I know you three are developing into strong, intelligent, independent young men and young lady, allow me the usage of "babies" for through my eyes you will always be the football player running down the field when you was around five years of age. Through my eyes you will always be the "blue fairy" in the "Nutcracker" play back when you was in the, I believe first grade. Through my eyes you will always be the one that picked up a hammer, waddled over to the 10 gallon fish tank full of water and fish, you slammed the hammer straight into the glass as my heart skipped several beats. Your grandpa, my father, whom we lived with at that time, said, "No one was allowed to get on to you due to the fact you was two years old and just being curious. No, you didn't break the glass but with the strength of a two year old that swung that hammer like a pro over his head I was scared. We all held our breathe until we realized we didn't have a huge mess to clean up. Granted, the hammer was put up out of your reach after that for a good length of time. I love you all, "Bug", "BabyGirl", and "Vez". May one day you learn enough about me to know why I fought so hard to gain your love and respect. One day, I will make my writing well enough to help make all your dreams come true for you.

PsychoWriter's World

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My story, The Wearers, preview

Friday, May 18, 2012

Newest Ebook

PROUD MOMMY!!!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My Nightly Walk

Challenges and Struggles

One Weird Outlook

A Little About Me