Sometimes you just have to grow up and realize there are some things you just can't get.

Sometimes you just have to grow up and realize there are some things you just can't get. Wow, that statement just hit home with me. Sometimes, no matter what you allow yourself to believe, while knowing the truth all along, the slightest change can mean volumes.

What's New

Well, I now own a full size truck. No more walking, paying taxis, or bumming rides for me. Of course, that is when I have gas money for my truck. I got an offer today to help out a friend to make a little cash. As long as he keeps his word I will have that gas money plus more. Maybe even a beginning to yet another chapter of my life. Who knows?

Another post

My life has picked up a little. I am no longer able to call myself a "hermit". Even before the day is up I will once again own another vehicle. It has been close to two years since I own my last vehicle. I started to learn the guitar. I even own a B.C. Rich Warlock.

Time away

It has been a week or more since I last posted anything. I know bad bad me. I took some time to be with friends. Time that I much needed. Being back home alone, I do not care for much. I must make more time to be with those that has helped me through so much. Granted to them they might see just a friend visiting for a short spell but to me it was such an eye open experience. While I was gone I discovered that it really doesn't matter what you do as long as you are happy.

Next Task

After cleaning my apartment, my next task will be to set aside a hour a day to focus on my writing. You see while doing some research online I discovered the more Ebooks you have on the market to sell the better chance they will do just that. I want to expand and finish all pieces of stories that I have already started except maybe the story of my life because that one is on-going.

Bucket List

Not long ago I wrote of a friends passing. Shortly after his death, I have decided to break out of all my fears and to start checking items off of my so called Bucket List.
My bucket list doesn't contain things like: visit the Grand Canyon, visit Mount Rushmore, etc. Granted if I get that chance I will, if not, so be it. My bucket list contain things like walk in the darkness of the unknown. Darkness in a room or someplace you know the layout is not unknown. Darkness as in just out exploring any place and darkness falls you keep going without the use of any light. I must admit recently I had the chance to check this one off my list yet my fear of the unknown darkness stopped me. I will overcome the unknown darkness.
Another thing on my bucket list was to attend a party that someone took time to invite me to. This last weekend I was able to check that one off.
All the items on my bucket list are more of a personal list to help me grow and experience all I can while I am alive on this planet we call Earth.
I do not have any ideal how the things on my bucket list will come to slowly dissappear but I know IF THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A WAY!

Thoughts I wrote

Growing up I always thought by my age, late thirties, I would have a well paying job, a place to live, a car, and if I was really lucky I would have someone by my side to share it all.
Reality, I live by myself in a very small apartment. I draw SSI, Supplemental Security Income. Pretty much it boils down to welfare for the disabled. I depend on friends and family to get anywhere I need or desire to go. Of course, the real close places I walk.
I even have to depend on friends and family just to eat everyday.
Since I can't work I write. Some say I write like a professional. They say I write to where the reader desires to flip the page just to see what will come next in the story.
I do not give up for not long ago I was living out of a tent.
I have Ebooks for sell in hopes that one day I can be the person that will be able to give back in any form when someone may need the help.

Ebooks

Remember to take a little time out of your day and check out my Ebooks.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/psychowriter

Status Change

As of a few minutes ago, it's official, I am once again single. They, whoever they are, say some are just not meant to have someone by their side. I'm starting to believe I am one of the permanant single.

Death

Death? Have you ever thought how much different things will be for you? Lay down in a quiet room. Stay still and hold your breathe for as long as you can manage. While doing this imagine YOU will never see anything ever again for however many days this world goes on but DARKNESS. YOU will never smell another smell. YOU will never hear another sound. YOU will never speak another word. YOU will never feel another thing or person. Will you still be able to feel when your flesh dries up? Will you still be able to feel when your bones turns to dust? Will it hurt?
Now, even though you WILL die one day, according to what you believe in will determine where your soul will go for the rest of the days. Unless, by some twist of fate, your belief was WRONG.

To Art or Not to Art

I have heard by several people that my art, as in drawings, are interesting, odd and even kewl. They all said they liked them. A female friend of mine a little while back suggested that I frame them and post to sell. Everyone knows the artist is their worst critic, so I am going to do a small experiment via Facebook to see if anyone even likes my art by their "Likes" and "Comments". Every week for a short period of time, I am going to change my profile picture to yet another one of my drawings. Yet, my Facebook friends will not know what I am doing. I will keep you updated on how this experiment plays out.

D.E. of a D.W.

Yesterday was an eventful day. It started out like "the new norm". I woke up to the other side of my bed empty, my man got a call to go to work. After grabbing my phone, cigs, lighter, and keys, I headed to and rode the elevator down three floors to my father's apartment. After several knocks on my father's door at the right time, my dad had his tv blaring so I had to knock in the few seconds the tv when silent, I walked in to tell my father happy birthday. It's not everyday your father turns 71 and that's only if you are blessed with having your father still on this earth when he turns this age. Surprisingly this year he didn't remind me how today was the day Elvis died. Yet my father believes he is still alive or at the very least lived his life out to a respectful age behind closed doors and that it wasn't Elvis that made it big but his very own identical twin brother Arron.
Upon returning back to my own apartment I received a couple phone calls  from one of my older brothers. It was already planned not to eat today because my man's family invited us out to a local restaurant to celebrate several of their family birthdays all in one. I must admit soon after my man returned back home from work, three hours before due at the restaurant, we broke and split a bag of microwave popcorn.
Time soon came about where we got picked up by a friend and all the dinner party gathered over at my man's sisters house, then the restaurant. Only thing that would of made it better was if my children were there along side the rest of the 12 member party.
I got to meet my man's brother for the first time along with his wife and their two adorable little girls. Other than myself there was also my man, my man's sister, her husband and child, close friend and her husband and child. Many of pictures were taken by my man to remember this day. IT WAS A GOOD DAY!!!

D.E. of a D.W. Day 9

Day 9, today thus far I did the cleaning the place I live thing, ran some virus scans, now I have nothing to do but think. That can be as entertaining as it can be dangerous. In two days my father will turn 71 years young.
When I started this Daily Entries of a Determined Woman I said I would pick a topic a day to speak about. As you can see that is not working out very well. Heck not only do I not pick a topic I sometimes even skip days. I think it has a lot to do with the fact I do not like writing when the possiability of someone reading what I am writing before I get it wrote. Heck only reason why I am typing write now is because my guy unfortunally has a massive tooth ache and is currently laying down. I do pray he gets better soon for his health sake.

D.E. of a D.W. Day 8

I would like to say I missed Day 7 because of some special thing that kept me busy all day but to be honest I slept all day. Nothing really going on today either, well not for me. My oldest did his first day at orientation for college today. Wow! I actually have a kid going to college. You see, while growing up their were high hopes that I would be the first in the family to go to college. My life didn't work out that way but I am very glad and proud that my son was the first, at least on my side of the family, to go to college.

D.E. of a D.W. Day 6 ---8/11/2012

Allow me to say that there was no day 5 simply because I wasn't feeling well enough to write or in this case type. Saying how today has been almost uneventful I almost didn't even write this little bit.

D.E. of a D.W. Day 4

I would like to start out by saying yesterday after I posted my blog. My day got busy. First, my daughter called  and said she was on her way to come get me. She wanted someone to run around with while she did some errands. Once she got here she asked me to do the driving. I gladly did the driving. I drove her first to a couple places for possiable work. Then after a short stop at her dads house to pick up her brother, my youngest son, we all went clothes/school shopping. Second, my oldest came over for about an half hour. I was thrilled to see all three of my kids in the same day again.
Today my daughter and youngest son started another year of school. My daughter is a senior and my youngest son is a freshman. Come Monday, my oldest will become the first on my side of the family to attend college.

D.E. of a D.W. Day 3

Like most people out there that have anyway of connecting to the internet, I have a Facebook account. Yesterday, on here, I mentioned how it was a month since my friend's departure of his life. Thanks to Facebook, because I cannot bring myself to delete people off my friend's list that has passed on, today I will be mentioning yet another friend who has passed. This friend was also male. He was a father. He was a husband. He was a son. He was a dear friend. Though this past July 4th was the 2nd anniversary of his death, today he would of been celebrating his 43rd year of life.
On the positive side once again, today is also one of my sister-in-laws birthday.

Daily Entries of a Determined Woman Day 2

Today, sadly marks my friend's one month departure from life. On the positive side, it is also my nephew, along with a friend's child, celebrates another age of their lives.
Today has been a bit different from the beginning. First, I woke up at a decent hour. Now, my man got called in to work. Whether it be just for today or longer is still undetermined.
My feelings for my man are strong and true but truth be told I welcome this time apart.

Daily Entries of a Determined Woman

Writing is a hobby of mine. Though, by reading the post posted upon this blog, you would never be able to tell. When this blog was made my knowledge was at a zero level of understanding any of the things that should be done in order to obtain regular flow of new viewers and fans. Searching around the web most say, "have a theme based blog". How about the Daily Entries of a Determined Woman. What would my main focus be on: My thoughts of the day, My daily struggles, in hopes one day my dream of becoming a paid writer comes true.
At the age of fourteen, I entered a poetry contest, from the back of some magazine my mother had laying around the house. That poem, along with others along the years, are now in six different anathology books. Along with obtaining my dream, one of my side goals is to locate those six anathology books and purchase them.
As the years passed along with writing poetry, I ventured into writing stories. After hearing for many of years how well I was at writing from close friends and family, I was told by a complete stranger via a social site about Ebooks. Now, I have six Ebooks up for viewing and/or buying:
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/psychowriter
THIS SITE IS FREE!
To sign up on the site, free to read parts of or all of several different genres of writing.
ONLY purchasing an Ebook cost money.

BluThunder, My Friend

In four days from now I will have to somehow handle knowning you have been gone for a month. That day a month ago, I read the status, placed by a friend, that you had passed. So many memories of you I am able to recall. From our first meeting to just days before your passing.  How we came to date each other, for a short period of time, by a couple of our friends saying, "You like him, He likes you, now your dating." We were on the step off the sidewalk sitting under the night sky. How one night about a month before your passing, you walked me home even though it was close to midnight and the fact we lived on opposite sides of town. I will miss that smile you was always able to place upon my face. Yes, I will smile again for other people and reasons, just not the same as the one I smiled for you. You once told me how you came to be named BluThunder. How when you was born your mother looked out of the window and saw Blue Thunder. I couldn't image it until the day of your burial. On that day even though the skies were a vibrant blue, thunder was also in the skies. As if you announced your passing to all. I will miss you my dear friend and have no fear YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!

Things are looking up.

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here so allow me to catch you up. I'm now in a relationship. We have been dating for a little over a month now. A close friend passed away. In five days it will be a month since he passed. Soon I will be moving into another apartment but one that is a little better than this one. I still struggle each day to get new viewers to view my Ebooks in hopes that one day they will start selling.

A place you can read the full first chapter of my Ebook, The Wearers

http://www.wattpad.com/4755700-the-wearers-chapter-one?d=ud

My Ebooks

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/psychowriter

Loneliness from being single is hard in itself but at night when the world is shutting down it's the hardest for me.

A Chance

Tonight I fought the fear of taking a chance. I won the battle because I did write to tell a certain male and how I have felt about him. Now, just to wait for a reply that might never come. Whether he chooses to stay friends or whether he takes a chance on me I will be alright with either choice he makes. I just fear he will disappear. Please don't disappear.

Don't Miss Your Chance To Take A Chance

My story, The Wearers, preview

I posted the full first chapter of my story, The Wearers, on: http://www.wattpad.com/4755700-the-wearers-chapter-one?d=ud
Check it out and if you like it by all means go buy my ebook.

Newest Ebook

My newest Ebook is now up for sell. Please take a look at it and all the others. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/150665

PROUD MOMMY!!!

Tonight I will join many other people as we watch my first born son walk across the stage to receive his High School Diploma. He will be the third in my family to achieve this goal. I was the first. My youngest brother the second. My son WILL be the FIRST to attend college from my bloodline. Soon, him and a couple of close friends will be moving on to the town that has the college they will be attending. I AM SO PROUD!!!!  HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I TRULY LOVE HIM!!!

My Nightly Walk

Tonight on my nightly walk I thought about a friend who I recently found out was in one of the area hospitals. Once the walk was over and I returned to my apartment I received some good news via my Facebook page. Though, I did not realize just how bad my friend was, the news came in that she is now off the ventilator. I would go see her if only I owned a car instead I sit here patiently awaiting her to return home. Praying that her son doesn't update his status with any bad update on his mother.

Challenges and Struggles

I want to take up another challenge that a friend recently suggested. In order to start this challenge I ask for help of those that read this, if help is possible to give. What's the challenge you may ask? The challenge would consist of me wearing a nice, sexy dress, high heels, make-up, jewelry, along with my haired fixed do errands or roam the town to observe how many comments I get. And see which wins out good comments or not so good comments. I do believe he would like me to prove to myself that after many of years of being big, largest I got to was 285lb and on the verge of size 24 pants. XL sizes would be found folded within my drawers and hung in my closet. To prove to myself that I do look good enough to entice guys, by my looks alone, to start up a conversation with me. He believes I will get better reactions than the way I dress today....Jeans and a t-shirt mainly. If I can manage to come up with enough dresses, high heels (at the very least a pair of nice flats in the shade of black) That will go good with the dresses, some make up ( that I like once it lay upon my face), and someone willing to fix my hair or at the very least give me some ideals I could actually wear and look good in. And if I don't like the hair do, no one will see it upon my head. Then, I will accept the challenge. I will wear only dresses in full dressed up wear for a week. I will post the comments I receive on Facebook in form of status updates. Or if by my change of clothing brings forth any good opportunities or experiences. I will post a picture each day of the outfit I will be wearing for the day so you, Facebook Family" can voice your opinion if so desired. I will admit when my friend said those words, I don't know if was truly setting a challenge before me or not. I choose to believe it was or at the very least sounded like a challenge I have been debating over for awhile now. I really would enjoy attacking this challenge to prove to myself just how far I have come. When I start this challenge I will be taking a risk at something I swore I would never do since I was sixteen years of age when I gave up anything to do that would make someone say things like, "You're like every other female out there." Over the years I proven to some that I am NOT like most females out there when it comes to certain fields of life. I have over the years gotten dressed up in the entire dress outfits before minus the high heels. Though it did take a Wedding, a Funeral, or occasionally a "Special Occasion." In taking this challenge I will be breaking down many walls I took many years to construct. Believe me, walls that hide many fears. As I took on the challenge of losing weight (took a year) I lost down to 185lbs. The day I discovered that I lost 100lbs was such a glorious day. At the beginning of my weight lose I set a goal of 150lbs (my old high school weight, before pregnancy.) As I progressed at losing the weight I so badly wanted off of me, I started suffering from dehydration. I up-ed my intake of water to double the amount. Soon my illness progressed to major dehydration, it went on to phase into vertigo. Once it, or so I believe, was major vertigo got so bad that my stubbornness shattered and I ALLOWED one of my friends to take me to the local E.R.. As I was waiting for the saline to drip into my body through an I.V., which the doctor quickly order upon setting his eyes upon me, then proceeded to inform me I am suffering from severe vertigo and I should be glad I decided to come in when I did because if I would of waited even an hour longer then my friends and love ones would have had to attend yet another grave site to lay a love one in the ground. I will admit I instantly felt fear of how close I came to ending it all just because I pushed myself so hard on my walks, (even during the first several stages of my illness),which gotten to five miles a day within an hours time with no difficulties on a track that took you downhill, walking flat surfaces, uphill a mile long. My illness progressed on even though at the worst times I was taking in enough water a day that, to me, could fill a tub of water. Since then I have decided to focus on my health and writings. I set out to publish a book that I have written. Even though some promising leads have come and gone along my way in life. Due to whatever reason they all have fallen silently yet heavily upon my hopes of ever getting a book filled with my thoughts published. After a few days I always came back with the passion and more determination to succeed in becoming a published writer. Thanks to a conversation from a complete male stranger I spoke to one day on another site, I learned quite a bit about Ebooks and how to go about publishing your own. I started searching and found a very good site that I could understand and learned how to go about publishing one. After a simple form to fill out I submitted my first Ebook for publication. No response in two days so I go through everything I have ever written in my life, that wasn't one of the already six poems that has been published in anthology books over the years and placed 85% of my writings into four more Ebooks. No response for another two more days. From that day I have learned so much about formatting that today I have two with "Premium" status. Premium status means that anyone to frequent places like Barnes & Nobles and Apple. I am learning more each day as I watch more and more messages stating that I, yet again, need to fix the format of the story or fix the cover image. I am very happy of myself because I now have 5 Ebooks. I hope that one day I might be blessed and well enough of a writer to sell even one Ebook. Each day that has come to pass does make me fear I'm not as good as I think I am. As I keep repeating to myself, "Never say you have failed until you have reached your last attempt, and never say it's your last attempt until you have succeeded"(author unknown). I will finally allow myself to say I am successful when I can make a somewhat steady income off the sells of my Ebooks. I know deep inside me that this dream of mine will sail the waters so well one day even I will be surprised at the income my writings will bring into my life. Granted, if any of my Ebooks sell as well as say, "The Twilight Series" then I would have to admit that not only am I a writer. I am a successful one as well. Plus, when I succeed my children will know that when I say, "never give up on your dreams, no matter what they are, no matter how hard it gets, no matter what life may throw at you, because the feeling you get when you obtain your dream makes the journey all worth it. Furthermore, if you are wise enough, strong enough to change that dream you chase into reality, I encourage you to dream another dream until it becomes reality, then repeat once more. Just remember along the way, you will have your, "I can't do this" moments to "I can, I really can do this." I am here to say if I can shoot for my final dream I have wanted to one day accomplish since being a young teenager, lived the life I have lived thus far. I have survived two rapes ten years apart by two people that you would least except to do something so traumatic upon another person. I have forced guys away that was on the verge of trying to get their was as I repeatedly said, "No and Stop", and managed to get away physically unharmed. I have served my country. I have walked across my high school graduation floor when I was two months pregnant with my oldest child. I have given birth to all three of my children by the time I was 22. At that age I decided to lose the dream of having a "big" family and opportunity of any more "blood" children. I have been married to three totally different guys. Followed by many failed relationships. I, now, know at this day and age that I am strong enough to go at life on my own. If I am blessed to ever find my "one" he will find a way to melt my heart each and every time I lay my eyes upon him. I will admit I know love. I will admit I do love someone. Though my feelings for him may never be revealed. If he is really my "one" life will find a way to place us together and allow no-one or nothing destroy the love we would share toward one another. I have been homeless, living out of camping gear that was blessed upon the one I was with at the time and myself. Within the forest wall of trees each day we awoke we had to spend figuring out ways to eat, to survive another day in hopes the next will bring better. I have done things during that time I may never express to anyone. I have left my kids behind with love ones as I ran away from my life. One month passed when I returned for my children. Not knowing if my two year old baby boy would even remember who I was to him. I must say watching how my children reacted when they first set their eyes on me I shall never forget. As each one ran with the speed of a rocket taking off they continued screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!" It was within the very second I knew I would never leave my children again no matter what I have to endure to ensure we saw each other everyday. Though I kept my word and never left their sides, due to choices I made I lost my children to their father. For many years they lived with their father as I saw them every other weekend and anytime they were out of school for a week or more. Along this time as I struggled to eventually obtain a place large enough so if my ex husband, father of my children agree then my children could choose who to live with. With a large amount of help from a very close friend I was blessed with one full year with my daughter and youngest son living full time with me visiting their father the same as I did for many years. My oldest son, even though I saw him quite often and the most I ever can remember in a year since I had full custody of them, he chose to mainly live with his father. I came to get to know my children all over again during that year. I am proud to say my oldest will soon graduate high school at the end of this school year. He has plans to attend college next year close to home. I must admit I was hoping he would have chosen one of the better colleges but when I learned of his final decision on which college he will be attending next year I realized just how much he has grown since the day he was born. I know no matter what he chooses he can and will achieve them. I will always remember in my family of the people of "Firsts". I was the first out of my biological mother and father to graduate high school, even though I am the third child out of six. The day my oldest starts college he will be the first off my side to attend college. A dream I once shot for but fell short of achieving. My daughter will graduate next year from high school. She already thrives to attend the same college as her older brother. No matter which one she finally chooses when she starts seriously choosing a college for her life. Like my oldest son, I know whatever tasks my daughter chooses to take on, no matter what dreams she wants to achieve she will with grace and "no one is going to stand in my way" attitude. One day I hope I can be like my daughter when it comes to her attitude toward people and the things she chooses to do. My youngest son will start as a freshman in high school next year. My youngest, thus far, even though he struggles hard to achieve it, has followed in his older siblings foot steps. All I ask is that I learn how to brag of my three children one day, stating how they all three graduated from the same high school as I did back in "93" and their uncle, my baby brother in 2003. They all have dreams which they strive for each and everyday. I know, like my oldest two kids, my youngest, while battling his struggles to overcome his A.D.H.D. He has ways of retaining information that whatever dream he chooses to chase will one day come true. I have fell on rough times recently and had to learn to let go of the full time mom, I have come accustomed to and convert back to the previous arrangements concerning time with my children. I admit I fear I will slowly be pushed put of my children s lives. When in reality it's just them turning to adult age and moving on to achieve the goals they have desired for themselves. May I find a way to handle the days that we spend apart as they discover and experience things for themselves about themselves. I never realized that I would have to give birth to the three I have learned from the most. The ones that give me courage to do the things I have always wanted to do. For this, I hope I reach an achievement of growth of knowledge of myself mixed with my actions I will make my children honored to have me as their mother. Please if I want to talk about you guys as my "babies", even though in reality I know you three are developing into strong, intelligent, independent young men and young lady, allow me the usage of "babies" for through my eyes you will always be the football player running down the field when you was around five years of age. Through my eyes you will always be the "blue fairy" in the "Nutcracker" play back when you was in the, I believe first grade. Through my eyes you will always be the one that picked up a hammer, waddled over to the 10 gallon fish tank full of water and fish, you slammed the hammer straight into the glass as my heart skipped several beats. Your grandpa, my father, whom we lived with at that time, said, "No one was allowed to get on to you due to the fact you was two years old and just being curious. No, you didn't break the glass but with the strength of a two year old that swung that hammer like a pro over his head I was scared. We all held our breathe until we realized we didn't have a huge mess to clean up. Granted, the hammer was put up out of your reach after that for a good length of time. I love you all, "Bug", "BabyGirl", and "Vez". May one day you learn enough about me to know why I fought so hard to gain your love and respect. One day, I will make my writing well enough to help make all your dreams come true for you.

One Weird Outlook

Being a single person, I have learned I have a weird outlook on looking for a new partner. When most people meet someone new they dread the "20 Questions" routine. Me, well, I look at it as filling out yet another application. Allow me to explain: The "20 Questions" is actually the "application". My new interest is the person doing the "hiring or denying", depending on what he hears or sees. If he likes me and "hires" me then that means he agrees to date me. As in any job you always strive for a "raise", which means I am striving for the date to turn into a relationship. As in a job as you achieve raises you sometimes achieve a new title until one day, if your lucky, to reach CEO or Boss, which means I hope for one day the status of my potential relationship one day change my title to "Engaged to Married". On a side note this "Application Process" goes both ways.

I even wrote a poem over this very topic:

"Where Do I Apply"

There must be a place,

where I can go.

To fill out the forms,

that will melt into your soul.

There must be a time,

when I can apply.

Just for the chance,

to stare deep within your eyes.

Oh where, oh where, do I apply?

For that position,

by your side.

Oh where, oh where, do I apply?

I would check the box hold you close,

I would check the box love you deeper.

In hopes one day you say,

you need to know me forever.

Oh where, oh where, do I apply?

For that position,

by your side.

Oh where, oh where, do I apply?

By:PsychoWriter

A Little About Me

A Little About Me

I am a mother of three. I enjoying writing. Feel free to check out some of my Ebooks. https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/psychowriter 

I promise as time goes on I will get better at this blogging thing.